May No Act of Ours Bring Shame

Photo credit: Becky Salman

Today, I woke up, and for the first time, I was not so proud to be a Penn Stater. 

This is a very disheartening thing to admit, as our Penn State pride and loyalty runs very, very deep. We have the largest and most active alumni association in the world. Our school traditions are ingrained in us as soon as we arrive on campus. I was a tour guide for the university for 3 years where I shared my passion and devotion for Penn State to future students. It's more than a school. It's an identity.

But as I watched the story unfold from across the world, my heart sank further and further, in disappointment, anger, and disbelief.

First, a child molestation case, involving young boys whose innocence were taken by a man that was seen as a community hero. Then, the involvement and cover-up by two well-respected university officials. Furthermore, the involvement of Joe Paterno, our iconic and beloved football coach, and President Graham Spanier, which resulted in their termination by the Board of Trustees.

But that's not where my disappointment and disgust ends.

Thousands of Penn State students decided that it would be in their best interest to trash the town in a disgraceful and embarrassing riot. They flipped over news vans. They broke store windows. They threw rocks at police officers. All for what?

In the aftermath of all this tragedy, I look at my Facebook news-feed, and I see current students and alumni posting all kinds of messages of support. From posting "Penn State Forever," to love letters to Joe Paterno, to calls for signing petitions and organizing rallies. I think this is important, and I commend them.

But today, I just don't feel it. 

The Nittany Nation is hurt, confused, and devastated... and the reality is that no one really knows what to do. These instances bring into question our own idea of morality: Did our beloved Joe Paterno do enough? What would I have done if I were him? Did the Board of Trustees make the "right" decision? How did the media distort this case? Why am I even upset about my school, when this whole thing should be about the victims?

I don't have all the answers. But what I do know is it's okay to grapple with these questions, and it's ok to feel the way that you do. If you feel angry, feel angry. If you feel sad, feel sad. And if you feel not-so-proud of Penn State right now, feel that way, and know that it's ok.

It will take some time, but Penn State will be whole again. Deep down, I know that Penn State is an extraordinary institution and the actions of a few does not reflect the goodness of the whole. Deep down, I know that I have great pride in my alma mater and my Penn State family.

But today, I'm sad. And that's ok.